[R̶e̶d̶a̶c̶t̶e̶d̶]
"Hey, do you remember me? I hope you do, because I want you to remember my eyes. The eyes you managed to fill with tears for all you have put me through. When I image people I care about, I imagine them crossing a line; A finish line indicating they've achieved what they've thrived for. But you... You managed to cross a line that can never be uncrossed the day you decided to take advantage of me at the young age of five years old. Remember when you removed my clothes and told me to trust you? That day made me regret ever trusting family with a blind eye, but then again I was five, I didn't think a wolf in sheep skin would be living among us breathing down my neck. I guess you never gave the thought of how it would affect aspects of my life, you selfish bastard, there is no excuse for your transgressions.
Everyday I woke up never feeling like myself, that I'm not welcomed in my own body. Every time I had to speak in public or asked to be in a picture, I would have this irrational frustration, I would look down from the camera due to the insecurities I developed from your introduction to porn, and making me act out how a 'girl' is supposed to be. You made me feel ugly at the age of six. I felt ashamed of myself from the gestures you manipulated me to do, and when you couldn't get your ways with me, what better to do than get angry and make me cry so that you can stay in power. I blamed myself for letting things happen, but it's every abusers scapegoat to shift the blame on those they prey on. It's such a disturbing and vile way of making someone feel worthless. You made me lose my trust, my sense of security, my confidence and my identity. You managed to simulate the years of teenage angst at an earlier age for me.
I felt like there was something wrong with me and I felt broken. Apart from our own family problems, I as an individual felt broken and you made me feel like I was alone in the world, because I had no one to turn to. For so long I had this pained feeling inside, it's intangible so I couldn't hold on to it to tend to it, but at the same time it made me feel invincible because there's nothing that bad that could ever truly hurt me. So I became reckless, especially with alcohol, but in the end it was a tool to mask the pain caused by you. you hurt me deeply to the point where I really didn't want to live anymore, cause once I started to understand about sexual relationship and what it is to be born a girl raised in a household with old fashioned views, I started to label myself with really hurtful words. Words that really devalue a person and a life's worth. There's only one person accountable and that's you, and for once it feels really good to blame you, Richard. And I don't think I could ever forgive you and I can live with that, I'm not the worst out there, you've proven it.
Nineteen years, 19 years of living suppressed from being completely free and true with myself and I'm still going forward dropping the extra weights that kept me restrained. I'm continuing the plans I made for myself to get my career, and I'm taking the extra steps to relive the trauma because I want to heal."
Signed and Unsealed