EARLY WRITING
This section holds the work I wrote during the COVID years, a time when everything around me was still, and everything inside me was loud. I was emotionally raw and learning how to put feelings into words without knowing the right language yet. The writing here is unfiltered, searching, and sometimes overly romantic, because I had not developed the clarity and restraint I have now. I am keeping these pieces as they are because they show the early stages of my voice before it settled into its current shape. I didn’t know my voice yet, so I wrote in every direction until something clicked. I am keeping these pieces as they are because they show the early stages of my voice before it settled into its current shape.
Chapter 1
Strangers
There you sit by the unfinished canvas. Your silence lingers around the boisterous group of people while taking precaution of the masked faces, uttering nonsense. Somewhat, somehow, the room gives way for you to speak, but as the moment presents itself, the rowdiness of the crowd envelops your already faint voice. Once the regulars simmer down and the stage is left unattended, the calmness invites you to verbalize and share your thoughts with the blank faces in the room. As you share part of yourself, the audience is quickly piqued, and their faces reciprocate warmth to the refreshing new voice that resonates in their ear. And like a new brush stroke, you fill the unfinished canvas with a unique and slightly complex texture that complements and livens once more, the place that gathers burdened souls.
Life happens...
Sometimes life hits you in unexpected ways, blindsided by its unpredictability no matter how secured and fortified you have made your home. All you can do is fight, count your losses and play strategically. Even with all this effort, sometimes you just lose the battle and have to accept the loss. With that in mind, recover by picking up the strong pieces you have left and solidifying the ones that lacked tenacity. Build yourself allies and bridge the gaps for you and for them too. You can only play smarter next time you encounter life, but be humbled by its challenges and don't lose yourself in the process. It's not worth it, not everything is full proof, so accept its gifts and curses and fluidly, you will move on with the changes.
Family Affair
Picture a family of ten taking a Christmas portrait, now imagine eight of them blurry in the image and all that's left is a youthful you and the person you once called a brother. Instead of hugs and kisses, and affection and recollection of good memories, all I was left with was scars from █████████████████████ and █████████████ that lead me to believe the only people I could have trusted was none other than people like him.
The fear, the blame and the shame that he instilled in me all stirred up in one, poured into a mold to make a counterfeit love to fill in the imperfections of a broken heart. For years I picked at the jagged pieces to smooth out my heart, but as I go at it I cried silently, bleeding out the agony cause who would believe a kid who shows no sign of sadness, just big smiles all day? I even got pet named Smiley, heh, yeah that's true. I keep that in memory cause when I'm having a hard time, I play what my friends have told me on my mind; That they love to see my crooked smile.
The purest form of love
I felt the purest form of love, the bond that ties together a mother and a daughter. I was elated by your worries for me when you came to hug me in tears. I knew you felt guilty because you felt like you didn't do enough to keep me safe. But at that moment... that very instant, you did what no one in the family could have ever done for me; you filled my heart with comfort, made it whole, and woke up the sleeping child who's been neglected. For once, I felt like I belonged here, with not a feeling of loneliness nor pain. I can't ever thank you enough for filling the role of a parent while also being my big sister.
I love you to the moon and back, too, Shiela.
Withdrawal
Listen to me, good, cause time is of the essence
Even though you see my presence,
I am far from a human being, sane
I wish I could explain,
The pain I feel it ill like it's poisoning my will
To resist the demons urging me to consume and bite the apple
To remain forever still, pale skin, open casket in a funeral chapel
It's just another day for them, handing people vises, like here, pop a kill pill
Can anybody help me? I'm trying to refrain
From them selling it to my brain
Dear God, I never thought I'd speak to you,
But here I am, and I seek the strength to power through
Let me get through this; Damn! Fight with me,
Don't take flight away from me!
Cause I swear to you I'm worth it, I'm a leader in the making,
On the path that you have chosen to deliberate peacemaking
Deliver me from these grown ways of contemplated self-killing
I was your child first, born under your worldly guidance straight from the beginning
Lead me to your Heaven's gate, cause my determination dour
To adhere to life and more cause, I keep coming close to falling to Satan's trapdoor.
3:00 a.m
Je sens le contact froid et mort alors que tu me saisis. Le bout de vos doigts suffit à provoquer des engelures paralysantes sur les surfaces exposées. Vous avez coupé l'espace entre nous pour accrocher à mon âme, mais je serre les dents en opposition. Mes yeux ne sont pas froids de haine, ils brûlent de détermination à survivre ████████ tordus de ma disparition.
I feel the cold dead touch as you reach in to grab me. The tip of your fingers, enough to cause paralyzing frostbite on exposed surfaces. You cut the space between us to latch on to my soul, but I grit my teeth in opposition. My eyes are not cold from hate, they're burning with determination to outlive ██████████ of my demise.
I drink
I drink to drown a little, because the waves carry me up when the crowd cheer. But who am I really doing this for? We follow our little vices thinking it's a feel good feeling, but that hype dies when the liquor rocks you hard enough you wake up to the sound of the ECG monitor and blinded by the hospital lights.
Was it all for the approval from peers? Even if it means your removal from life when the alcohol poison steers you to Death's door? I guess at the time it felt right, because at least you won't be alone, you're welcomed to a world premiere. Welcome to the contemplated thoughts of EDICIUS, just like Hollywood, his type will relentlessly corrupt you.
So let me ask again why do you drink so heavily? Is it for fame? is it for pain? Or is it to link up with the demons that hold you down, and prop you up to feel as though you were made for this dangerous game?
"My heart's at the right place, but my mental capacity isn't. If I had to be honest, I survived different degrees of ████. I don't think I'm a product of what's been done to me, but it certainly locked up so many potential thought process for me. [the healthy ones] I don't think I could ever wish this upon someone. I'm aware off it all and it feels silly for me to feel any sense of pride?"
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You were my whole world
You brought me everywhere you went when I was an infant. You took me on long drives in the back of your jeep, bundled up in cuddly pillows and warm blankets. You told me that was the best way to put me to sleep in an instant. Beautiful, calm sleep, safe and secure. And just like that, you became my whole world.
I always wanted to be where you were because I knew there would be festivities and sights to see. The jiggle of your keys was my Bat-Signal; To go off on a little venture, and I would always get really energized, no matter how tired I was. As beautiful as this world can be, I knew one day I would have to leave it. Not because I do not like it anymore, but because I know I would need a bigger place to play and let my own impression leave a mark on everywhere I go and everything I touch.
I knew ahead of time that I would want to go my own path, but that’s because you showed me how to adventure safely. I was ready, especially since I felt like you betrayed me lately. I don’t blame you, but I wish you knew what heartache you caused when you told me to forgive my brother for his transgressions... for your own conscience' sake. I know you feel guilt; I know it is a lot. But imagine what I handled for 20 years as a kid? I just could not come to terms with what I heard from you that day. It was insensitive to my own shock of feeling wronged.
I am not someone to hold grudges; I just hope you realize, in time, I still love you. I just wish you would acknowledge that you crossed a line that day. It was like meeting my idol for the first time, I got disillusioned by their heroic stories, lacking bravery in action, and that heroes are just human after all. You weren’t brave enough to explore that dangerous path, so I took the step forward to be the first on the way to shine bright, so that one day it would navigate you through the same path now decorated with iridescent light.
Chapter 2
Untitled
If you ever felt what a personal victory in life is, then you know what I mean by life looking like sunshine and butterflies, even though it's corny. And when you get out of something bad, you're just so receptive to something new that you look forward to the unwritten lines ahead. No stress, no pressure here, no, no. What's anxiety? An old friend who doesn't belong in my life anymore.
So from that point on, I decided, since no fear or doubt surrounds me, then why not be brave and bold to think and dream the plans of my next endeavor. And then it surely happened, the part where you question if anyone else in the world was like you. Not your other half, someone as complete as you, who'd want to come together for the complimentary snack values. Since snack you are, I mean no disrespect.
A friend for life, who can be there when you need a piece of advice. It's that unconditional love God made. I don't even practice, but I believe him; it's not man-made. So then the questions you ask become Who? What? Where, and when, will you encounter someone like that? Especially when you've encountered someone like that. It plays like a broken record.
Yours
It’s the type of love that can’t ever be tainted or scratched. It killed my ego, wanting no possession of you, just wanting to be in your vicinity because it sparks fire, the type of heat that lasts throughout the cold winter. Since the flames are already ignited, I feel invested to keep the stoke going to keep our Heart warm. ███████████████
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Confidence
Confidence is not based on people's validation; it's based on how you carry your own power, and do I ever know the power I wield, that's why I'm starting my discourse. The thing that people get so wrong about my confidence is that people relate it to beauty. Man, are guys so wrong to think it's for their eyes, and girls, oh, girls are just as wrong about my intention, it's no competition. I look at myself in the mirror and treat myself the way people treat fame, but with high integrity. I am who I uncovered under all the layers of insecurities throughout the years put on by my peers. I tirelessly worked on myself, eroding rough edges like waves carving rocks, solid I stand, but malleable enough to leave impressions. They think it's an invitation for attraction, but it's foolish to think that they're deserving of what I carry, what I bring, and what I protect in my possession.
See, I ain't anybody's fool. I'll continue to break the type of molds people try to cast me in, cause I don't settle like still water, I'm a river running my path to an expedition, to a vision my eyes can see, and everything is marked. I got my hitlist, made sure I put it out, and pinned this. I mobilize my mind to look at all the possibilities to succeed and then follow my body, taking action on the scene. Lastly, I contemplate with my heart to leave unforgivable behind. There's no room for cruelty behind my elegance, so if you think you're on my list, it's not a priority, sorry I'm my priority.
Insecurities
When you tell me about how headstrong I am, I cave in every time I hear it. It's not that I don't know it, but it's more like I don't want to have to be it.
I don't want to constantly bear fangs every step I take. I don't want to have to move; I want to be moved by life's current. I want to feel secure enough that I don't have to be constantly reminded of the great lengths I went to get to where I am. Those words hold gravity to them because of the actions that follow through. And it's heavy, even for me, because I still bleed; These words express what runs down my veins when it seeps out a crimson red sea of words, and if it could speak out the truth, it would say I'm not all that great.
I'm really just a human trying to make it out in this world less damaged than what it has left me when I started. If I were to admit to you how I feel sometimes,
will you be OK to know that I'm not made or built differently? I still go through the phases of insecurity on some days, so don't get fooled because I look like I'm carrying a mantle of strength, S on my chest here's Supergirl.
All this time I've been hiding, I got injured, a kryptonite on my shoulder, but I'm still trying to persevere and walk through the motions one leg at a time, and it's in deep. I'm scared of drowning or suffocating from the same Fear that kept my hair raised, high alert, like I'm well guarded.
Love is love
"I was coming to terms with my sexuality and embracing what I now understand would be bisexuality. I had a hard time with accepting it all fully cause I didn't know if it could coexist with my belief and If I would still accept me. I can't keep denying either that I don't believe in a higher being, I really do and it's as personal as the connection I have with myself. I thought the case of ██████would take everything from me but here I am, I'm loved either way because I'm not harming anyone with the life longing to just be able to love and be loved with no fences."
Pain and falling
"We're all stuck in our prison made of flesh, suffering is the state of mind that may accompany it. It's hard to change that point of view when we we're constantly discouraged and also never taught to have a healthy thought process that trumps it, cause pain seems endless. How far are you gonna keep falling down the well?
Maybe falling isn't the worst thing, what if falling could also mean letting things fall in to place? There's definitely a space left for time to heal things, we're just so scared to leave things because doing nothing is "wrong" when sometimes you don't really have control on the matter.
What you do have control over is your own psyche, but facing your thoughts can be really daunting, so even then it's like a constant uphill to develop healthy habits and it's always a slow process, if psychological wounds healed like physical injury we'd be indestructible.
Actually that's exactly how children are, cause they don't know what else to do than be brave. Once they're disillusioned from that innocence, that's when pain seems endless, we've all been there."
500 IQ plays
My inner self is like a curious child that knows too much about the world in the physical. I always felt as though I'm ahead of everyone because of my introspective thoughts, that's why I always say I'm playing 5D chess. It's never to hurt anybody; if anything, it helps me understand people better, in hopes that I can treat them better. I didn't realize someone else stepped into this free realm, and it bemused me to meet a curious spirit who matched me in every single aspect. Since it's been a while since I had someone teach me, I'm so used to learning on my own. I thought I was so smart because I broke the rules of the norm, yet you were out here doing the same to outbox me, thinking outside the box. You tore through my pawns and exposed my vulnerability, leaving my prideful king surrounded; that was my loss. I was upset, but at the same time relieved, as it made me rejoice knowing I can still fall and grow, done in such a way that left me to question more about life; it humbled me.
Iris
You hold your earnest gaze on to your affection like their eyes are the only live entertainment that can hold your attention. Those mellow brown eyes next to the crows' feet playfully fixed on the kind soul that shines with iridescent rays; it's something new but familiar enough that it feels cozy like the sweater that you love to wear or the tender caress of a close loved one. You step back as you draw your eyes down to savour the moment passed cause you know it's a fleeting feeling that only comes ever so often. But it's forever etched in your heart like how winds erode rocks to form mountains filled with depth.
The Messenger
You look at me like how I look at you, like you finally arrived and I'm now somehow vibrantly alive like a surge of electric current jolted to kick start my heart up. The rush forced the truth open, my eyes wide like reality slapped me with this Woman's divine. She's like you, both tailor-made from the same cloth, go forth, rush over and deliver this message from goddess to goddess. As I pick my line up, I said hello my name is Iris, nice to meet you, see that slyness? Aha as I say it in all my aloof shyness.
As we take this moment and breathe in silence, both flames are roaring emanating smoke signals body to body, stressing each other's fabric. Right here is the feeling of closeness, the strong desire leading our strolling fingers to intertwine, gently embracing each other's touch, as the heat is hitting high on a hot summer and it burns deeper, the closer my face near yours. And in the distance, a sea of flowerbeds blooming, the wind howls keeping the fire fed. What harmony two goddesses can create.
Self-preservation
“There is no shadow without light and no light without shadow.”
Sometimes I forget that even though the sun shines and caresses my skin in warmth on a fine summer day, there are still shadows cast around me, not to bring me darkness, but to help me identify the shape of what feels like a threat to my being. And if it outlines my worst fears that affect and change me to say things that are out of line, then so be it; You [Shadow] coexist with my light to be reminded not to neglect my own cry for help. Cause when the pain ships in and cuts through my sea of scars, I’m at my most vulnerable, volatile version.